Day 40 - Lots of progress

I can barely do any of the poses properly but I've made a lot of progress. I'm getting way better at getting my forehead closer to the knee in all the poses that ask for that. I'm taking in a lot more air now, drinking it like water - I haven't asked any teachers if I should be doing that but it feels good and it feels like I should be breathing in slowly and deeply. I'm having an awesome time. Today I felt like I'm super healthy and that I am really grateful that everything works properly and I have no aches or problems. I'm also really glad that I started yoga at this time because I was starting to feel somewhat depressed prior to starting yoga. My life didn't fit a successful timeline... there's lots of stuff that was getting me down. But now I feel positive and I feel like I am changing my life. It's awesome to feel like this.

Day 36 - Feel like a different person now

I haven't been attending consecutively since I finished the 30 days in a row. I didn't go to yoga class yesterday. Today I took an evening class. In today's and the last day's classes I realized that I have more endurance from squeezing my muscles in postures. So, now that I have more experience I have learned to breathe deeply and continuously, and to keep squeezing my legs, abdomen and arms. These procedures are helping me to get closer to getting my forehead to the knee in a posture I can't remember the name for when you stand with legs apart, twist the hips so the hips line up, and bend forward stretching the arms to the floor and get the forehead to the knee with throat choked. I'm proud of my progress and look forward to getting better. I feel like a different person than I was one month ago.

day 34 - I need yoga now to feel normal

I took a day off from yoga on Wednesday and Saturday. Yesterday, which was Sunday, I realized that after yoga I felt like myself again... which means that yoga has become a habit that I need to feel normal. Today I felt like I was working so hard, that the class is so difficult, but I persisted and I'm proud of how I kept it together mentally and brought myself back into working hard. What keeps me going, a lot, is remembering C. the teacher from Bikram yoga Vancouver, who was my teacher twice only, saying that we have to have the attitude that we don't have a choice but to do each posture. C. said many times in those two classes that torment lies in the choice, so when you remove the choice and just accept that you have to do the posture, then you can be at peace. I'm really glad he said that because it gets me through a lot. What I've been doing when my heart races (pretty much the entire class) is focussing on breathing and trying to breathe as much air in as I can as if I were drinking it. Breathing deep like this helps to calm me down. I keep trying not to hold my breath, that's something that I keep repeating to myself in my head so I won't forget. Today, day 34, was a day when I felt scared of camel pose again and felt like I was weak from fear to stand on my knees and I wouldn't let myself look in my eyes in the mirror the second time we did the pose because I didn't want to see the fear. I had the thought that it scares me just to see how my face doesn't show fear at all because I'm worried that people can't read my fear and won't help me if I need help. This has something to do with my family dynamic, but it's probably complicated :) because I can't relate it to anything specific except I know a lot of fear comes from when I was a kid and needed help and support and didn't get it. But, anyways, I went really far back and saw the floor in camel so I'm happy with that except I felt like I wasn't pushing forward consistently and have to work on that. There are two poses that I am so slow to get into that sometimes I don't even get into position before the time that we are allotted is finished. One of the poses is when we stand and bend forward to put our forehead to the knee (I take a long time to lower down but I'm proud that I think I touched my forehead today on my left leg). The second pose that is sometimes over before I get into it is rabbit. One thing that's tough in rabbit is I can't grab my ankles so I keep working on trying to grab my ankles and trying to find a way to grab the towel that works. As long as yoga has really become a habit... I will eventually be able to do rabbit, etc. better than I do now. I have problems executing every single pose, but I'm getting stronger every class.

day 31 - getting into it

I did not go to class on Wednesday, May 2, so today was day 31 rather than 32. Well, I feel like I'm starting to adopt the practice of going to yoga regularly as a routine. A hard thing for me to adjust is that I am still teaching myself how to eat before yoga. After yoga, I'm not sure what the rules are yet. Today I ate cookies for breakfast, some canteloupe and coffee. I didn't eat any protein on purpose because I haven't been eating protein until after class so I don't get nauseous. I planned on getting some things done today, because it's a day off from work, and then going to yoga at night. For that reason, I didn't eat after my cookie and canteloupe breakfast. But, just before yoga I had some cookie dough - and didn't feel too good in class :). I'm like a monkey child... but I'm learning. I had one of my favourite teachers, T. T. is a compassionate teacher that greeted me right away each time that I've come into the studio and he's at the desk. The welcome helps me so much, because I'm shy to talk without assurance that someone is welcoming. A few weeks ago, when he was my teacher for the first time, Todd got down right on the floor and explained postures to me. I appreciate his knowledge and interest in teaching. Today, one of the things I had to do as part of my day off was to visit tourist sites around Vancouver. I visited the Sun Yat Sen Garden and it was beautiful today. It was a lightly rainy day with grey sky, the usual weather for Vancouver. The grey brought out the jade colour of the ponds in the garden and the rain dripped from the trees and formed rings on the water. I think it helped me enjoy the garden more that I've gotten more calm from yoga and it's also good that I was alone to think about things. I also visited the Vancouver Art Gallery as part of my duty to visit tourist sites. I also really got into the works from the First Nations exhibition that is set up now. They have some low rider bicycles that were decorated to represent the four directions, created by four different artists from representative First Nations communities. I loved it. I asked a security guard for permission to photograph and he said officially we're not allowed to, but go ahead. I didn't take pictures of the bikes, but I just had to take pictures of the masks created out of Nike Air Jordans (from Michael Jordan's private collection) by Brian Jungen. I loved these things because these types of artifacts are familiar to me growing up in Vancouver, we were taken around BC by my parents and visited a lot of museums, etc., and because I took some classes in University and College that talked about local First Nations culture. So.... I saw Air Jordan "frog" and "orca" and "eagle," and it was really cool to see them as art instead of something made for ceremony that then became co-opted and produced for sale.

day 30 - made it to class all of the 30 days :)

Well, I made it 30 days every single day to bikram yoga class. My skin is very healthy, due to the yoga. I sweat more now, that's another benefit. Today was one of the "easiest" classes - my heart wasn't pounding, I didn't feel nauseous, I put in good effort... with some bad habits still kicking around. My bad habits are: I'm still holding back on some poses, maybe all of the poses :). The purpose behind holding back is that I'm trying to build up strength before I go full-heartedly. With camel pose - I go full heartedly. Nothing hurts me in this pose, I try my best to see the floor and push forward and keep breathing. With Trikanasana, triangle pose - I have a hard time keeping my leg locked and I sometimes feel really exhausted from trying this pose so I hold back from full hearted effort and stand with my legs closer together, or don't bend low towards my foot. When I feel stronger I will put more effort into trikanasana. I have 20 days to go in the 50 day challenge. I'm glad I had a good day today where I felt strong throughout the class. One thing that might have helped me is that I took the class in the morning before work so I probably have more to give physically and psychologically. My work kind of beats me up. I am thinking of quitting and working for myself. I trained in medical transcription last year, but I haven't made serious effort to find work. I am thinking that I want to start doing medical transcription now.